Adventures in Chocolate: A Comedic Cautionary Tale

So, Jenn and I are kind of obsessed with LUSH: Fresh Handmade Cosmetics.  We work a lot every single day (no days off!  Hooray?), and we don’t have a lot of soft, pampery moments happening in our lives, so we CLING to those we do have with a lot of…clinging-ness.  And the major soft, pampery thing in our lives is LUSH stuff.

Our baths and showers and getting-ready-in-the-morning times are the relaxing rituals of the day where we sink into the water and unfurl our tails let the cares of the day and the eight million stories drift away on a mound of bubbles.  It’s pretty wonderful.  <3

I love everything LUSH, but one of my favorite things are their massage bars.  I use them as solid lotion (I’ve never been a major fan of lotion because no matter what I’ve tried AND I HAVE TRIED A LOT OF DIFFERENT LOTIONS, it’s always felt too goopy and oily to me.  BUT NOT THE SOLID MASSAGE BARS.  It was like a lotiony miracle), and love them.  I use Therapy at night in the winter to keep my hands from being OMG THE WEATHER IS QUITE DRY LATELY, Cosmic Dreamcatcher before meditations in lieu of burning incense (sometimes I burn incense, too. INTENSE, I know.), Hottie, for whatever weird reason, makes my carpal tunnel stop HATING ME FOREVER after a long writing day, Ego just smells ridiculously happy…

And I AM NOT EVEN JOKING, I use From Dusk Till Dawn–yes, the one that looks like a giant cartoonish bit of decolletage–every single day before writing.  I use it as lotion on my hands and forearms, and then basking in the get-up-and-go in provides, I’m able to write more and for longer.  Our local LUSH store staff is awesome and loves us, but they have NOT LET ME LIVE DOWN the joke that I said about that massage bar.  I told them how much it makes me write.  And that I’m going to milk it for as long as they have those massage bars.  They groaned for a long time and still give me “the look” when I appear like I’m about to make another corny joke.  IT IS MY CURSE.

So, naturally, Jenn and I like using massage bars for their intended purposes, too.  We’d never used the Soft Coeur massage bar before, so when we were at LUSH recently, we got one on the recommendation of our favorite LUSH lady.  “You can even eat it!” she’d said excitedly.  We sort of stared at her, mouths agape, and she amended hastily.  “Lick.  You can LICK it.”

So we brought it home and lit some candles and said sweet nothings to one another and brought out the massage bar.  I was SO EXCITED about this one, because COME ON:  Honey!  CHOCOLATE!  Pure happiness, in solid massage bar form.

I was using it on Jenn, and we got through all of that cocoa butter nonsense, and were finally on to the supposedly Awesome! Melty! Chocolate! Center!

“Honey,” I said after a moment of vigorously trying to get it to melt.  I stared at the goop in my hands.  “It’s not melting?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, and peered at her leg.  “Ooooh…”

Where I’d tried to rub the supposedly Awesome! Melty! Chocolate! Center!?  There was just a…a brown, unappetizing lump on her leg.

“It’s not melting,” she repeated, and poked at it.  We both tried to rub it in.

Nothing.  And it was getting on our lime green sheets.

“Let me keep trying,” I suggested, and took the rest of the center and began to give her a foot massage with it, because–I reasoned–it would be less gross of a visual if the massage bar continued to refuse to be melted and it was on her feet.

The brown lump was now just starting to…pill.  No melting in sight.

“This isn’t really how it’s supposed to work,” I said, trailing off as I stared at the monstrosity that I’d made of Jenn’s foot.  We stared at it together for a long beat, then both of us dissolved into laughter.  It was ludicrous, how chocolately her foot and leg had  become, how the sheets had brown all over them, how I had brown all over me!  It smelled delicious, and looked like the grossest thing you could possibly imagine.

And there was not a single desire, in all the kingdoms, to try to lick any of it.

“Adventures in chocolate,” said Jenn sympathetically, kissing my nose.

And then we changed the sheets, the night having taken a much different turn than we’d intended.  But we were laughing too hard to really mind.  <3

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About elorabishop

Author of fantasy, fairy tale, science-fiction and paranormal lesbian romances.
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2 Responses to Adventures in Chocolate: A Comedic Cautionary Tale

  1. *GIGGLES* This would so happen at our house too!

  2. Katie says:

    This made me laugh out loud, but for real, not just loudly exhaling air through my nostrils.

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